Dinner Dates

I had a chat with Kristy on Twitter last night.  She was in a rough place at the time and I tried to help take her mind of things for just a bit.  While we were talking I told her I'd write a post today about the 3 people, dead or alive, that I'd like to have dinner with.

The first 2 people I'd like to have dinner with would be my grandparents.

I was the first grandchild, and the only grandchild for almost 7 years.  During those years my summers were spent with grandparents.  I'm not talking the typical one or two weeks away.  I spent the entire summer months with them.  My grandfather worked for an oil and gas company in south Texas and his job involved traveling to various places in the valley to check on producing wells as well as to help oversee new wells going in.  I spent countless hours riding around the backroads of Texas with him meeting ranch owners were the wells were located, as well as the truck drivers who hauled the oil or water from the holding tanks, to the lunch counter ladies in all the small towns we passed through.  Because I was the only grandchild I was spoiled by this man.  I could ask for a soda at the local 7-11 and we'd be off to the store.  I can't remember ever failing to return without the soda I wanted, along with cookies, and candy, and ice cream.  I usually got a toy as well.  My grandparents would let me sleep with them most of the time.  This was so when my grandfather woke up in the middle of the night, he could wake me as well to go to the kitchen for a glass of milk and some oreo cookies or graham crackers.  This was time always shared only by us.  Where I shared my boyhood secrets with the most trusted person in my life. My grandmother may have been awake, but she never interrupted our bonding time.  Instead, she taught me how to throw spaghetti noodles against the wall to "check if they were done".  She taught me how to make jello.  She taught me it was ok to eat spinach and green beans, even if I hated them.  On the weekends our lunch always consisted of a sandwich and chips and grandmother would always make sure we had all the fixings for a proper sandwich.  She played board games and card games with me.  She let me Eskimo kiss her until her nose was permanently red from it.  She would chase me with a fly swatter when she had to, but she always somehow failed to make contact.  She bandaged my cuts and kissed my forehead.  They both loved me.  And I loved them.  They're both long passed on, but I don't think a day goes by when I don't think of them.  And that's why they are the first two people I'd like to have dinner with.  Only this time, I'd set out the lunch fixings for us to eat as we sat around the kitchen table, catching up things.  I'd make sure we had oreos and milk for dessert and I'd invite my grandmother to share in our little secrets.

The 3rd person I'd like the have dinner with would be my 15 year old self.  I'd like to be able to teach him how to make better decisions.  How to avoid trouble and bad influences.  I'd like to explain to him how the world works from an adult perspective, rather than from the perspective of a teenage boy, wrapped up in girls and cars and wanting nothing more than to be out of the house.  I'd tell him to slow down a bit.  Listen more, and talk less.  Save money.  Be wary of those wonderful credit terms.  Listen with your heart, but get your head involved when making decisions.  Learn to play an instrument.  And learn to relax.

So there you go.  The 3 people I'd like to have dinner with.

Soundtrack of My Life

I was recently introduced to Amanda Palmer by my great friend Sophie.  She told me about this song just today and I liked it so much, I thought I share it with the rest of you.  It's titled "Runs In The Family" off her 2008 album "Who Killed Amanda Palmer".

Lyrics and video below.  I hope you enjoy.

My friend has problems with winter and autumn
They give him prescriptions,
They shine bright lights on him
They say it's genetic,
They say he can't help it
They say you can catch it
But sometimes you're born with it

My friend has blight
he gets shakes in the night
And they say there is no way
That they could have caught it in
Time takes its toll on him, it is traditional
It is inherited predisposition

All day I've been wondering
What is inside of me,
Who can I blame for it?

I say
It runs in the family,
this famine that carries me
To such great lengths
To open my legs
Up to anyone who'll have me
It runs in the family,
I come by it honestly
Do what you want
'Cause who knows
It might fill me up [echoes]
Fill me up [echoes]

My friend's depressed,
She's a wreck, she's a mess
They've done all sorts of tests and
They guess it has something to do
With her grandmother's grandfather's grandmother
Civil war soldiers who
Badly infected her

My friend has maladies, rickets, and allergies
That she dates back to the 17th century
Somehow she manages, in her misery -
Strips in the city
And shares all her best tricks with

Me?
Well, I'm well.
Well, I mean I'm in hell.
Well, I still have my health
(At least that's what they tell me)
If wellness is this, what in hell's name is sickness?
But business is business!

And business
Runs in the family, we tend to bruise easily
Bad in the blood, I'm telling you 'cause
I just want you to know me
Know me and my family
We're wonderful folks but
Don't get too close to me
'Cause you might knock me up [echoes]
Knock me up [echoes]

Mary have mercy.
Now look what I've done
But don't blame me because
I can't help where I come from
And running is something that we've always done
Well and mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from

Run from their pity
From responsibility
Run from the country
And run from the city

I can run from the law
I can run from myself
I can run for my life
I can run into debt

I can run from it all
I can run till I'm gone
I can run for the office
And run from the 'cause

I can run using every
Last ounce of energy
I cannot
I cannot

I cannot
Run from my family
They're hiding inside me
Corpses on ice
Come in if you'd like
But just don't tell my family
They'd never forgive me
They say that I'm crazy
But they would say anything
If it would shut me up
Shut me up

Shut me up [echoes]
Shut me up [echoes]

And here's the video.

..

What's Been Going On

So twitter is down, and evidently is down for everyone.  So I figured now would be a good time to write down a few thoughts about what's been going on for the past few weeks.

I guess the biggest news is that I've been doing some volunteer work 2 days a week for a local non-profit.  It's nothing difficult at all and it gets me out of the house for a few hours a week.  Basically, I'm picking up food orders from the local food bank and delivering the food to the food pantry at 3 different housing complexes.  Each one only takes a couple hours each to do, but I'm really enjoying it.  The one thing it has done is shown me how much I miss being on twitter!

And as I'm writing this, it appears twitter is back up.

So what else?  Hmmm....

I set up a skype account and got to talk with someone who's become a very wonderful friend.  I'd never used skype before, and I was pleased with how well it worked and how simple it was.  I think I'll be using it quite a bit!

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very much a creature of habit.  I have my daily routines and don't really like when something or someone screws up that routine.  That being said, the OH was home sick all last week and a couple days this week.  Luckily, I've got things to do just about every day of the week, so it didn't interfere with my usual routine too much.  But she's back to work today and all is better.

The business of getting registered and enrolled for the fall semester  at the local community college is going very well.  I've been dealing with the OSD (Office of Students with Disabilities) on a regular basis and it seems to have taken away a lot of the anxiety I'd been having with the whole process.  So for that, I'm thankful.

Past that, everything else seems to be going as normal.

..

What Do You Want Your Life To Be Like One Year From Now?

Today's post has been inspired by my friend Damien on Twitter.

What do I want my life to be like one year from now?

If he had asked this of me a few years back, the answer would have been totally different than the answer today.  Back then my answer would have been fairly simple and straightforward.  I would have wanted to be further along in my career as a network administrator, mostly higher up in a management position.

That scenario no longer applies to me today.  After my meltdown a couple of years back many things in my life have changed.  Other than being chronically unemployed, I'm actually happier now than I was then.  Back then I had all the trappings of a "successful" life going for me.  I had the house, the cars, the debt that was supposed to help me get further in life.  Since the meltdown I no longer have the mortgage or car payments or credit card debt.  I have an apartment, an old car that's paid for, and no other bills other than the basic ones such as utilities, insurance, and food.

I've made major changes in my life in the past couple of years.  I've learned much more about myself than I ever though possible.  I'm about to embark on a new course in life.  I'm looking forward to the future while still being scared shitless about it at the same time.  And that's fine.  I can deal with that.  I think that if the future didn't scare me then it wouldn't be worth pursuing.

So to answer the question of what I want my life to be like one year from now, I would have to say this:
I hope to have completed a years worth of study at the local community college on my way to an AA in psychology.
I hope to be still attending my support groups and volunteering in more mental health areas.
I hope to be able to make new friends that are supportive of me and allow me to be supportive of them.
I hope to be a bit more financially independent to some degree.
I hope to be further along in my recovery and understanding of BPD and depression.
I hope to be happier than I am today.
I hope to be more productive than I am today.
I hope to be a better and more understanding person than I am today.

That's the answer to today's question.  Feel free to suggest more.

..

Random Nothings

I've been trying to figure out something to write about for the past week and can't seem to come up with anything.  So I figured I would just tell you some random things about me.


I still have my tonsils.
I have 10 tattoos.
Blue eyes
Blond hair
Lost my virginity at 16
I enjoy ketchup way too much (probably because my mother was a HORRIBLE cook)
I love anything made from tomatoes, but can't stand the taste of a raw tomato
I've lived in many places here in the US:  In Texas I've lived in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Corpus Christi and a few other smaller places.  I've lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi and Las Vegas, Nevada.
I've been to Mexico a few times, but always just across the border, never into the interior of Mexico.
I've been into Canada, but not past Niagara Falls.
I've been to 32 of the 50 states
I dislike most vegetables, and refuse to eat them.
My mother and brother live within a 30 minute drive from me, but I haven't seen or spoken with them in almost 25 years.  And I have no desire to either.
I had a couple dream jobs when I was younger.  I wanted to be an Air Force pilot.  I also wanted to be a professor of Russian history.
Firm believer in "You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family".  I think family is who you choose.
My maternal grandparents passed away many years ago.  I miss them both terribly.
I'm not "in love" with my wife anymore.  But she is my best friend.  And I do love her deeply.  And she is still the best person I know.
I'm pretty sure she's not "in love" with me either.  I'm ok with that.
I've learned that being "in love" isn't always what is cracked up to be.  Sometimes what comes after that phase can be better.
But I still wish I could be "in love" with her.  Or somebody.  And vice versa.
I'm tired of living in Texas.
I'd like to visit New Zealand one day.  Australia too.
I watch WAY TOO MUCH TV lately.
I'm starting college courses this fall.  And it scares the shit outta me!
I don't like beer.  I don't like wine.  Don't even care for champagne.  But....I LOVE BOURBON!
If it's a book I want to read, I can easily read it in a day.
I don't like having my picture taken.
My current weight bothers me.
I don't currently own a watch.
I rarely chew gum.
I have no idea what my blood type is.
I'm related by blood to Thomas Jefferson.  He's an uncle.
Toilet paper should roll off the top.
I think Oreos and milk are an acceptable breakfast combination.
I don't have a middle name.
Boxers, not briefs.


..

Confession

I'm going to share a something today that I have literally never shared before.  Something I've kept hidden in my mind for most of my life.  Something that no one in my life knows.  Even as I sit here typing these words I'm scared shitless because I've never spoken about this with anyone.  But I feel I need to get it out there.  I probably should have spoken up about it years ago, but have never had the courage.

So here it is.

I was sexually abused at age 6 by the girl who lived next door to me.  It lasted for about 6 months.  It only stopped because the family moved away.  I never told my parents.  I never told anyone for that matter.  This is the first time I've ever spoken about it.

She was 13 or 14 from what I remember.  She was my babysitter.  She would bathe me and  fondle me.  She would perform oral sex on me.  She would put me in bed and have me perform oral sex on her.  This would happen 2 or 3 times per month.

Growing up I never really thought about it as being abuse of any kind.  In my mind I was a willing participant in the acts themselves.  It wasn't until years later that I came to realize that it wasn't right.  I felt ashamed of the fact that it had happened.  I was terrified of the fact that I had enjoyed it on some level, and I allowed those thoughts to justify never talking about it with anyone.  And I rationalized it mostly because she was a girl.  It wasn't an adult, it wasn't a male.  So the "manly" thing to do was to just accept what had happened as something to be proud of in some way.  I'd had a sexual relationship at age 6.  But I still never told anyone about it.  And it took me years to understand that the reason I never talked about it was because I felt ashamed of what had happened.  I felt shamed for participating.  I felt shamed for the enjoyment.

Looking back on it now, I think I mostly feel sorry for the girl.  I can't begin to imagine what might have been happening in her own life that made her think it was ok to do what she did.  And again, that's not to minimize what was done.  It is what it is at this point in my life.  I'm hoping that getting it out finally helps me in some way.  I guess time will tell.

..

Hello

I've again neglected taking the time to sit down and write something here.  Maybe "neglected" isn't the right word to use.  I think it's more like that I'm not entirely sure what I want to say.  Or maybe that I don't have anything to say.  Something about that scares me.

I try not to base all the reasons for how I feel on my diagnosis.  But it's always sitting there in that little spot in the back of my mind.  It causes me to rethink everything I'm doing, everything I've done, everything I want to do.  I never know if these things are because it's just me or if they're because of the BPD and depression.  And so I sometimes wind up over-thinking every decision I need to make.

I find myself  both trying to isolate myself and fighting to not isolate lately.  I want to get out of the house and do things, but I can't seem to bring myself to just get up and go.  I want to get up and meet new people, make new friends.  But instead, I insulate myself behind the screen of this computer and try to convince myself that Twitter friends are the same thing.  And that's not meant to be bad to those people on Twitter that I have met and have built a friendship with over the past few months.  It simply means that I want to find a balance between online life and the real word.  I've actually made a few really good friendships through Twitter which I am hugely thankful for.  I can talk about things and share things with them that I wouldn't necessarily be able to do with people in the real world.  I guess that's the beauty of things like Twitter.  You can easily express your truest and deepest thoughts and feelings with people who you already know will understand what you're feeling and what you're going through.  But for me, I still want that actual human interaction.

But for now I will sit here flipping channels on the TV and staring at my computer screen.

..

Been Gone Awhile

I've been gone for the past month or so.  Not gone as in away.  Just not around online quite as much.

I'm not really sure why.  Nothing really happened that I can pinpoint.  I simply woke up one morning and decided I didn't want to be around anyone for whatever reason.  I didn't want to talk with anyone.  I didn't feel like interacting with anyone.

Part of me still doesn't.  But I've done the isolating myself thing before and I know how bad that can actually be. So I'm back trying to be more social once again.

So if you stop by, please say hello.

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's song is "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.  Hope you enjoy.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

..

Nonsense

What to say? What to write? How do people seem to put so eloquently into words the thoughts running wild in their heads? This is one of the things that perplexes me.

I so want to be able to say what's on my mind. I want the words to flow freely from my fingertips and onto the screen in front of me. I want it to illicit some kind of cathartic relief from the near constant thoughts that bounce around inside my skull on a minute by minute basis. I long for the "AHA!" moment we see in movies and on TV. The ones where the hero finally understands all that is happening and is able to deal with whatever obstacle is in the way.

I want to be able to express everything inside me to someone else in this world. Someone that will not judge in any way. Someone that I can be completely and totally honest with. Share all those dark little secrets we all hide away. Be completely and utterly vulnerable without fear of rejection or retribution.

Unfortunately, I don't think such a person exists. I don't think a person like that has ever existed. Not for me. Not for you. But I still have the mistaken thought that a person like that is out there somewhere, just waiting to be found by me.

We see people every single day. We converse with people every single day. Facebook, Twitter. We interact. We laugh. We cry. But what does that really say about any of us? And does it really matter? I think about that old question: "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it actually make a sound?" Logically, I know it does. It's a simple matter of natural physics that tells me that it most definitely made a sound. But everyday I feel that I could stand in the middle of a crowded street and scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me at all. No one would notice. And even if they did, no one would take the time or have any inclination to determine the reason behind the scream. This is what life has taught me.

And so I sit silent.

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's tune is from a group called Ghetto Cowgirl.  The song is called "Without Warning".  I came across these guys about 15 years ago playing in Long Wongs on Mill in Tempe, AZ.  Fell in love with their sound as soon as they started playing.  They only put out two albums that I know of.  This song is from the first album "Excuses for Losers".  If you can find it, I highly recommend getting a copy.  Well worth the money.

planes fly through and buses come
if I had cash I'd get on one
train would be just fine
is it geography
or state of mind that
makes me feel this way
I've had enough
this place bores me
my instincts insure me

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week 
if you buy me a ticket
i'll be gone in the morning
without warning
i'll just fade away

run away and never find
better places left behind
it's getting old again
the walls of paradise are closing in
I'm scraping up spare change
I'd like to leave
I can't afford it
my instincts insure that

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
without warningI'll just fade away

who can you trust?
who can you blame?
who can you count on that's never there?
open my closet door
watch skeletons pour
all I see is lies
that's no surprise

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
well if you push me
pull me
carry me away
I don't wanna be here
one more day
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
without warning

I'll just fade away

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's song is "Coming Undone" by Korn.  I even included the video below, which I happen to think is excellent.  Hope you enjoy.

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me

That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Be straight
Be deliberate

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet chugga gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

..

Daydreaming

I've been having the same basic daydream for the past couple of months.

It involves literally walking away from the life I have now and starting over someplace new.  Finding a job as a short order cook or something equally without tons of responsibility attached.  A job where I come in, do my job, and then I'm free to spend my time any way I choose.  I also see a small cabin-like living structure.  Nothing huge.  Nothing fancy.  Just a place to sit and relax, sleep, shower.  Something a bit secluded.  Something cozy.  And out of Texas.

I'm not talking about a total disappearing act though.  I'm not wanting to "run away" from any of my problems.  I know they will still exist and will still be things I need to deal with on a daily basis.  But I am finding that I'm getting really tired of all the BS that seems to come with trying to live a "normal" and "acceptable" life.

Instead, I find that I'm beginning to believe that what is normal and acceptable for my life is whatever I decide it should be, and not what others think or tell me.  I've had the mortgage.  I've had the cars and the credit cards.  I've had all the trappings of the so-called normal life.  And now that those things are gone, I find that I really don't miss them at all.  I find that I still have too much stuff that I really have no use or need for.  I live in a one bedroom apartment now.  It's a decent size.  Everything we need is in it.  But we still have a storage space full of furniture and belongings that we never use.  It's been in storage for over 3 years now!  Every now and then I go by and check on it and see if there's anything I need to bring back to the apartment.  But there's nothing there that's really needed for day to day living.  So what's the using in having all that?  It's stuff that has been accumulated over a period of years that I no longer have any need for.

Like Tyler Durden said, "The things you own end up owning you".

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's tune is "Six Gun Quota" by Seether.  Sorry for not being around too much lately.  But finally got a computer and internet access in my home.  This should help considerably in writing more.

I find it hard to live with all my choices
It's time to turn a deaf ear to those voices
Did you ever think to ask my opinion
Did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

Give every indication that you're mended
Take every rule you come across and bend it
And did you ever think to ask my opinion?
And did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

It feels so good to be numb
I hate what i have become
It feels so good to be numb

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

..

Recently...

I feel like I started this with good intentions and then just up and abandoned it.  I'm sorry about that.  It was not my intention at all.  Just the past few weeks have been extremely busy and I haven't had a computer around to actually sit down and try to get words out.  That last part will be changing in the next few days.  I'll finally have internet access in my residence once again, and I will have access to a computer on a regular basis.

This makes me happy.

For now though, here's a quick rundown of why I've been neglecting my little piece of the world lately.

I've been helping a friend who recently became "homeless".  She was asked to leave her home and we basically had to put her in a friends home for a week until we found her a permanent place.  She's doing much better now.  Not great, but better.

The wife was recently diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis.  Our first reaction was "But she doesn't drink!".  We have since learned that cirrhosis just means "scarring of the liver" and there's literally hundreds of ways to do that.  But the word "cirrhosis" is still very much a nasty word simply because of the connotation.

An acquaintance recently committed suicide.  I didn't know her very well, but it still hurts.  She projected such an image of strength that the news really floored a lot of us.  Just goes to show that you never really know what's going on in a person's life.

The interview I had a couple weeks back went really well.  But I wasn't offered the job due to being "overqualified".  At least they actually took the time to tell me something.  For that I give them credit.

I finally got a counselor.  I've only had 2 sessions so far so I'm reserving judgement for the moment.  So far, not bad.

That's it for today.  Hopefully I'll have a Soundtrack post in the next day or two, so stay tuned.

..

Soundtrack of My Life

This week's tune is from Nine Inch Nails.  It appears on the album "Broken" and is titled "Gave Up".  I find myself listening to this album when I'm especially mad or down on myself.

perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most

forgot how it feels well almost

no one to blame always the same

open my eyes wake up in flames

it took you to make me realize

it took you to make me realize

it took you to make me realize

it took you to make me see the light

smashed up my sanity

smashed up my integrity

smashed up what i believed in

smashed up what's left of me

smashed up my everything

smashed up all that was true

gonna smash myself to pieces

i don't know what else to do

covered in hope and vaseline

still cannot fix this broken machine

watching the hole it used to be mine

just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline

of the trust i will betray

give it to me i throw it away

after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become

i tried

i gave up

throw it away

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's song is from Chris Knight and the title is "It Ain't Easy Being Me".

There ought to be a town somewhere, named for how I feel
Yeah I could be the mayor down there and say welcome to Sorryville
It wouldn't be on a map no where, you might say that it don't exist
But if you make enough wrong turns, it'd a be hard to miss

There ought to a bridge somewhere they could dedicate to me
I'd probably come to the ceremony with a can of gasoline
And walk on over to the other side, where I'd light a match, sit and stare
Through the smoke and flames, wonder how I'm gonna get back

Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart

And I know the words that'll bring you back
But I don't say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to be the jerk I've come to be
It ain't easy being me

There ought to be a side show act for freaks like me
I could be the star of the show with my name on the marquee
In a room with a big red button that says danger do not touch
Twice a day I'd mash it down and you can watch me self destruct

Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way? Am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart

And I know the words that bring you back
But I don't say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to be the jerk I've come to be
It ain't easy being me, it ain't easy being me

..

Some People...

Ok.  So this past few days has been something of a roller coaster ride.

I spent Friday with a friend that I've made through one of the local groups I attend.  We wound up attending a group meeting last Friday night as well.  I drove her home and was making sure you got in her home ok to find out that her relative had locked her out and placed all her belongings on the front porch.  Along with her possessions was a letter basically saying to go away and never come back.

I know this person.  I've met the relative.  I know the situation.  At no point have I seen any reason for what happened.  Luckily I was able to find her a room with a friend for the week so she at least has a roof over her the next few days.  And she's holding up fairly well considering the situation.

I think what has both shocked and amazed me is that the people you would think would be willing or able to help, didn't.  And those that you think wouldn't or couldn't, did.

My hope is that people know that I'll do everything in my power to help them when they need it most.

..

Soundtrack of My Life

I haven't posted in a few days.  Mostly because I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, and putting those words into cohesive sentences.  One constant thing in my life has been my love of music.  And with those two thoughts going through my head, I figured that I'd start a recurring theme about songs that have had some kind of major impact on my life in some way or that I feel can really relate to on some level.  I'll try to do it at least once a week.

The song for this week is "Burning Bright" by Shinedown.

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning

There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning 

I feel like there is no need for conversation

 ..

More Drivel

So here is my fourth entry in my blog and I'm already at a point where I don't know what I want to talk about. It's like every day is the same thing, day in and day out.  I do have the activities that I try to force myself to do on a regular basis but I still find them hard to do.  I'm using a dictation app on my phone hoping that maybe just speaking to myself will somehow help in getting ideas out of my head.  I still find myself stuttering over words trying to think of things to say. I think that's commonplace for me here lately.

I live in a fairly large apartment complex here.  I smoke and I find myself wandering outside to smoke a cigarette.  I see people walking by. Cars going by.  Neighbors walk by and say hello, ask how my day is going.  I basically say the same line  - "I'm good, how are you?"  It's interaction but it's not a real connection. It's just the niceties that we all go through on a day-to-day basis.  It's the same thing when going to the grocery store or going to the gas station.  You actually are interacting with people all day every day, but there's nothing to it.  There's no real connection.  There's no meaning behind the words.  Everybody is going on living their lives and I'm doing that too.  Going about my daily life.  It just isn't as involved.  Everything seems to be a decision on what to do next.  Should I do this should, should I do that, do I want to do this, do I want to do that.  Most of time the answer is yes, I do want to get up.  I do want to do that.  The disconnect is in the mind and body connection.  I can't seem to make my body do these things, so instead I flip channels, smoke a cigarette, walk the dog, flip channels some more and sit back down.  Just do nothing.  Tell myself over and over that I need to get up, go be part of the world.  Laugh.  But I have a hard time with seeing the outside world any different than I see it just sitting in the chair watching TV.  I could be walking along a trail somewhere and I would still have the same interactions with people. Past that, there's nothing more going on.  No meaningful conversations.  No connections on a mental level. Or any other level.  So it just makes it harder for me to get up and do something other than isolate myself.

That's what I find myself working on. Trying to make myself get up out of the chair, put the remote control down, and go out and do something.  I'm  tired of only doing those kind of things like going to the group meetings, going to the Clubhouse.  Overall it's good to talk to people, express feelings, tell how your days going, how your weeks going.  But by the end of those groups, at the end of those meetings, it's back to the same life.  There's not a real connection with people even in that situation. And maybe it just takes time.  I've only been going to these things for couple of months but it would still be nice to have somebody to call on from time to time.  Just a conversation.  Meet for coffee.  Walk.  Something more than just that superficial encounter.

I guess I'm just lonely.

Feeling A Bit Lonely

I joined Twitter on December 1st of 2011.  I was a bit apprehensive at first, not know what to expect.  But I've come to enjoy it.  I've had more "conversations" and laughed more in the past month than I have in the past 6 months in the real world.  I've also found that these small interactions have helped to improve my mood on most days when I do interact with others.

The only thing that really bothers me is that no one is really close enough to maybe actually meet for coffee or something along those lines.  But I do my best not to let that really get to me.  The interaction with others that share the same feelings and same emotions actually seems to be helping.  At least, that's been my impression so far.

And that's a huge thing for me.

I do attend a local DBSA group twice a week.  I also attend a depression group once a week.  And I go to the local clubhouse 3 days a week.  That accounts for about 15 hours of out-and-about time every week.  The rest of the time though, I find myself feeling even more alone.  The time actually spent around other people and engaging in conversation seems to really remind me how much alone time I have to myself.  Forcing myself to be more social has been hard.  There's been quite a few times in the past couple of months that I've had to talk myself into getting up, getting dressed and going to these functions.  But I think it's helping.

I hope it's helping.

Sense of Self

I think my biggest and longest lasting issue right now is that I have lost my sense of "self".  
I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know what I actually feel anymore, if I feel anything at all.  I find that I don't have a true "passion" for anything, and don't know that I ever have.  


I have (perhaps "had" is the better word) friends that have professional lives.  Families.  Things that interest them that they pursue on a regular basis.  Simple things like being involved in groups that participate in pool tournaments.  Car clubs.  The types of things that people enjoy doing away from their workplace.  Things they have a passion for.


I don't seem to have that anymore.


I used to though.  


I've had long lasting jobs and what was a pretty decent career path going.  I've had hobbies.  I've had things that interested me.  But all that seems to be gone.  The past 2 years have brought me to the point of questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.  I no longer find any joy in much of anything the way I used to.


And that is what scares me the most at this point in my life.  No real feeling of joy or happiness.  No sense of direction.  No sense of purpose.  I exist on a daily basis.  Every day is the same as the last.  The daily schedule is always the same.

My First Post

So I've decided that I need to start writing down things down.

And I've decided to write them down publicly.  It's a scary thought putting all this out there for the world to see, but I'm hoping it helps more than hurts.

I feel like I have a lot to say, but I may not know how to exactly say it.  So bear with me through this as I hopefully learn how to put thoughts and feelings into words.

To get things started, I decided my first post should be a couple of things that I use to help me make it through my day.  The first is a poem by English poet William Ernest Henley (1849–1903) called "Invictus".

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Something about the last stanza really hits home with me.  I find myself repeating the last two lines to myself on a daily basis.  I'm not sure why it helps, but it does.

The second thing that sometimes help me get through my day is the words to a Baz Luhrmann song called "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)".

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,
Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me. In 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy.  Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium.  Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either.  Your choices are half chance.  So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen. 

So there you have it.  My first post.