Hello

I've again neglected taking the time to sit down and write something here.  Maybe "neglected" isn't the right word to use.  I think it's more like that I'm not entirely sure what I want to say.  Or maybe that I don't have anything to say.  Something about that scares me.

I try not to base all the reasons for how I feel on my diagnosis.  But it's always sitting there in that little spot in the back of my mind.  It causes me to rethink everything I'm doing, everything I've done, everything I want to do.  I never know if these things are because it's just me or if they're because of the BPD and depression.  And so I sometimes wind up over-thinking every decision I need to make.

I find myself  both trying to isolate myself and fighting to not isolate lately.  I want to get out of the house and do things, but I can't seem to bring myself to just get up and go.  I want to get up and meet new people, make new friends.  But instead, I insulate myself behind the screen of this computer and try to convince myself that Twitter friends are the same thing.  And that's not meant to be bad to those people on Twitter that I have met and have built a friendship with over the past few months.  It simply means that I want to find a balance between online life and the real word.  I've actually made a few really good friendships through Twitter which I am hugely thankful for.  I can talk about things and share things with them that I wouldn't necessarily be able to do with people in the real world.  I guess that's the beauty of things like Twitter.  You can easily express your truest and deepest thoughts and feelings with people who you already know will understand what you're feeling and what you're going through.  But for me, I still want that actual human interaction.

But for now I will sit here flipping channels on the TV and staring at my computer screen.

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