So here is my fourth entry in my blog and I'm already at a point where I don't know what I want to talk about. It's like every day is the same thing, day in and day out. I do have the activities that I try to force myself to do on a regular basis but I still find them hard to do. I'm using a dictation app on my phone hoping that maybe just speaking to myself will somehow help in getting ideas out of my head. I still find myself stuttering over words trying to think of things to say. I think that's commonplace for me here lately.
I live in a fairly large apartment complex here. I smoke and I find myself wandering outside to smoke a cigarette. I see people walking by. Cars going by. Neighbors walk by and say hello, ask how my day is going. I basically say the same line - "I'm good, how are you?" It's interaction but it's not a real connection. It's just the niceties that we all go through on a day-to-day basis. It's the same thing when going to the grocery store or going to the gas station. You actually are interacting with people all day every day, but there's nothing to it. There's no real connection. There's no meaning behind the words. Everybody is going on living their lives and I'm doing that too. Going about my daily life. It just isn't as involved. Everything seems to be a decision on what to do next. Should I do this should, should I do that, do I want to do this, do I want to do that. Most of time the answer is yes, I do want to get up. I do want to do that. The disconnect is in the mind and body connection. I can't seem to make my body do these things, so instead I flip channels, smoke a cigarette, walk the dog, flip channels some more and sit back down. Just do nothing. Tell myself over and over that I need to get up, go be part of the world. Laugh. But I have a hard time with seeing the outside world any different than I see it just sitting in the chair watching TV. I could be walking along a trail somewhere and I would still have the same interactions with people. Past that, there's nothing more going on. No meaningful conversations. No connections on a mental level. Or any other level. So it just makes it harder for me to get up and do something other than isolate myself.
That's what I find myself working on. Trying to make myself get up out of the chair, put the remote control down, and go out and do something. I'm tired of only doing those kind of things like going to the group meetings, going to the Clubhouse. Overall it's good to talk to people, express feelings, tell how your days going, how your weeks going. But by the end of those groups, at the end of those meetings, it's back to the same life. There's not a real connection with people even in that situation. And maybe it just takes time. I've only been going to these things for couple of months but it would still be nice to have somebody to call on from time to time. Just a conversation. Meet for coffee. Walk. Something more than just that superficial encounter.
I guess I'm just lonely.
