Soundtrack of My Life

Today's song is "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.  Hope you enjoy.

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
And consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

..

Nonsense

What to say? What to write? How do people seem to put so eloquently into words the thoughts running wild in their heads? This is one of the things that perplexes me.

I so want to be able to say what's on my mind. I want the words to flow freely from my fingertips and onto the screen in front of me. I want it to illicit some kind of cathartic relief from the near constant thoughts that bounce around inside my skull on a minute by minute basis. I long for the "AHA!" moment we see in movies and on TV. The ones where the hero finally understands all that is happening and is able to deal with whatever obstacle is in the way.

I want to be able to express everything inside me to someone else in this world. Someone that will not judge in any way. Someone that I can be completely and totally honest with. Share all those dark little secrets we all hide away. Be completely and utterly vulnerable without fear of rejection or retribution.

Unfortunately, I don't think such a person exists. I don't think a person like that has ever existed. Not for me. Not for you. But I still have the mistaken thought that a person like that is out there somewhere, just waiting to be found by me.

We see people every single day. We converse with people every single day. Facebook, Twitter. We interact. We laugh. We cry. But what does that really say about any of us? And does it really matter? I think about that old question: "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it actually make a sound?" Logically, I know it does. It's a simple matter of natural physics that tells me that it most definitely made a sound. But everyday I feel that I could stand in the middle of a crowded street and scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me at all. No one would notice. And even if they did, no one would take the time or have any inclination to determine the reason behind the scream. This is what life has taught me.

And so I sit silent.

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's tune is from a group called Ghetto Cowgirl.  The song is called "Without Warning".  I came across these guys about 15 years ago playing in Long Wongs on Mill in Tempe, AZ.  Fell in love with their sound as soon as they started playing.  They only put out two albums that I know of.  This song is from the first album "Excuses for Losers".  If you can find it, I highly recommend getting a copy.  Well worth the money.

planes fly through and buses come
if I had cash I'd get on one
train would be just fine
is it geography
or state of mind that
makes me feel this way
I've had enough
this place bores me
my instincts insure me

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week 
if you buy me a ticket
i'll be gone in the morning
without warning
i'll just fade away

run away and never find
better places left behind
it's getting old again
the walls of paradise are closing in
I'm scraping up spare change
I'd like to leave
I can't afford it
my instincts insure that

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
without warningI'll just fade away

who can you trust?
who can you blame?
who can you count on that's never there?
open my closet door
watch skeletons pour
all I see is lies
that's no surprise

if you drive me
fly me
do anything to get me out
not one more week
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
well if you push me
pull me
carry me away
I don't wanna be here
one more day
if you buy me a ticket
I'll be gone in the morning
without warning

I'll just fade away

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's song is "Coming Undone" by Korn.  I even included the video below, which I happen to think is excellent.  Hope you enjoy.

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me

That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Be straight
Be deliberate

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet chugga gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

..

Daydreaming

I've been having the same basic daydream for the past couple of months.

It involves literally walking away from the life I have now and starting over someplace new.  Finding a job as a short order cook or something equally without tons of responsibility attached.  A job where I come in, do my job, and then I'm free to spend my time any way I choose.  I also see a small cabin-like living structure.  Nothing huge.  Nothing fancy.  Just a place to sit and relax, sleep, shower.  Something a bit secluded.  Something cozy.  And out of Texas.

I'm not talking about a total disappearing act though.  I'm not wanting to "run away" from any of my problems.  I know they will still exist and will still be things I need to deal with on a daily basis.  But I am finding that I'm getting really tired of all the BS that seems to come with trying to live a "normal" and "acceptable" life.

Instead, I find that I'm beginning to believe that what is normal and acceptable for my life is whatever I decide it should be, and not what others think or tell me.  I've had the mortgage.  I've had the cars and the credit cards.  I've had all the trappings of the so-called normal life.  And now that those things are gone, I find that I really don't miss them at all.  I find that I still have too much stuff that I really have no use or need for.  I live in a one bedroom apartment now.  It's a decent size.  Everything we need is in it.  But we still have a storage space full of furniture and belongings that we never use.  It's been in storage for over 3 years now!  Every now and then I go by and check on it and see if there's anything I need to bring back to the apartment.  But there's nothing there that's really needed for day to day living.  So what's the using in having all that?  It's stuff that has been accumulated over a period of years that I no longer have any need for.

Like Tyler Durden said, "The things you own end up owning you".

..

Soundtrack of My Life

Today's tune is "Six Gun Quota" by Seether.  Sorry for not being around too much lately.  But finally got a computer and internet access in my home.  This should help considerably in writing more.

I find it hard to live with all my choices
It's time to turn a deaf ear to those voices
Did you ever think to ask my opinion
Did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

Give every indication that you're mended
Take every rule you come across and bend it
And did you ever think to ask my opinion?
And did you ever think to ask if i'm ok?

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

It feels so good to be numb
I hate what i have become
It feels so good to be numb

I've burned down every bridge that i've found
Now i limit myself to a six gun quota
I've played down every feelin' i've felt
And i bottled them up 'til the well ran over

..