Confession

I'm going to share a something today that I have literally never shared before.  Something I've kept hidden in my mind for most of my life.  Something that no one in my life knows.  Even as I sit here typing these words I'm scared shitless because I've never spoken about this with anyone.  But I feel I need to get it out there.  I probably should have spoken up about it years ago, but have never had the courage.

So here it is.

I was sexually abused at age 6 by the girl who lived next door to me.  It lasted for about 6 months.  It only stopped because the family moved away.  I never told my parents.  I never told anyone for that matter.  This is the first time I've ever spoken about it.

She was 13 or 14 from what I remember.  She was my babysitter.  She would bathe me and  fondle me.  She would perform oral sex on me.  She would put me in bed and have me perform oral sex on her.  This would happen 2 or 3 times per month.

Growing up I never really thought about it as being abuse of any kind.  In my mind I was a willing participant in the acts themselves.  It wasn't until years later that I came to realize that it wasn't right.  I felt ashamed of the fact that it had happened.  I was terrified of the fact that I had enjoyed it on some level, and I allowed those thoughts to justify never talking about it with anyone.  And I rationalized it mostly because she was a girl.  It wasn't an adult, it wasn't a male.  So the "manly" thing to do was to just accept what had happened as something to be proud of in some way.  I'd had a sexual relationship at age 6.  But I still never told anyone about it.  And it took me years to understand that the reason I never talked about it was because I felt ashamed of what had happened.  I felt shamed for participating.  I felt shamed for the enjoyment.

Looking back on it now, I think I mostly feel sorry for the girl.  I can't begin to imagine what might have been happening in her own life that made her think it was ok to do what she did.  And again, that's not to minimize what was done.  It is what it is at this point in my life.  I'm hoping that getting it out finally helps me in some way.  I guess time will tell.

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