Today's post has been inspired by my friend Damien on Twitter.
What do I want my life to be like one year from now?
If he had asked this of me a few years back, the answer would have been totally different than the answer today. Back then my answer would have been fairly simple and straightforward. I would have wanted to be further along in my career as a network administrator, mostly higher up in a management position.
That scenario no longer applies to me today. After my meltdown a couple of years back many things in my life have changed. Other than being chronically unemployed, I'm actually happier now than I was then. Back then I had all the trappings of a "successful" life going for me. I had the house, the cars, the debt that was supposed to help me get further in life. Since the meltdown I no longer have the mortgage or car payments or credit card debt. I have an apartment, an old car that's paid for, and no other bills other than the basic ones such as utilities, insurance, and food.
I've made major changes in my life in the past couple of years. I've learned much more about myself than I ever though possible. I'm about to embark on a new course in life. I'm looking forward to the future while still being scared shitless about it at the same time. And that's fine. I can deal with that. I think that if the future didn't scare me then it wouldn't be worth pursuing.
So to answer the question of what I want my life to be like one year from now, I would have to say this:
I hope to have completed a years worth of study at the local community college on my way to an AA in psychology.
I hope to be still attending my support groups and volunteering in more mental health areas.
I hope to be able to make new friends that are supportive of me and allow me to be supportive of them.
I hope to be a bit more financially independent to some degree.
I hope to be further along in my recovery and understanding of BPD and depression.
I hope to be happier than I am today.
I hope to be more productive than I am today.
I hope to be a better and more understanding person than I am today.
That's the answer to today's question. Feel free to suggest more.
..
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Random Nothings
I've been trying to figure out something to write about for the past week and can't seem to come up with anything. So I figured I would just tell you some random things about me.
I still have my tonsils.
I have 10 tattoos.
Blue eyes
Blond hair
Lost my virginity at 16
I enjoy ketchup way too much (probably because my mother was a HORRIBLE cook)
I love anything made from tomatoes, but can't stand the taste of a raw tomato
I've lived in many places here in the US: In Texas I've lived in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Corpus Christi and a few other smaller places. I've lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi and Las Vegas, Nevada.
I've been to Mexico a few times, but always just across the border, never into the interior of Mexico.
I've been into Canada, but not past Niagara Falls.
I've been to 32 of the 50 states
I dislike most vegetables, and refuse to eat them.
My mother and brother live within a 30 minute drive from me, but I haven't seen or spoken with them in almost 25 years. And I have no desire to either.
I had a couple dream jobs when I was younger. I wanted to be an Air Force pilot. I also wanted to be a professor of Russian history.
Firm believer in "You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family". I think family is who you choose.
My maternal grandparents passed away many years ago. I miss them both terribly.
I'm not "in love" with my wife anymore. But she is my best friend. And I do love her deeply. And she is still the best person I know.
I'm pretty sure she's not "in love" with me either. I'm ok with that.
I've learned that being "in love" isn't always what is cracked up to be. Sometimes what comes after that phase can be better.
But I still wish I could be "in love" with her. Or somebody. And vice versa.
I'm tired of living in Texas.
I'd like to visit New Zealand one day. Australia too.
I watch WAY TOO MUCH TV lately.
I'm starting college courses this fall. And it scares the shit outta me!
I don't like beer. I don't like wine. Don't even care for champagne. But....I LOVE BOURBON!
If it's a book I want to read, I can easily read it in a day.
I don't like having my picture taken.
My current weight bothers me.
I don't currently own a watch.
I rarely chew gum.
I have no idea what my blood type is.
I'm related by blood to Thomas Jefferson. He's an uncle.
Toilet paper should roll off the top.
I think Oreos and milk are an acceptable breakfast combination.
I don't have a middle name.
Boxers, not briefs.
..
I still have my tonsils.
I have 10 tattoos.
Blue eyes
Blond hair
Lost my virginity at 16
I enjoy ketchup way too much (probably because my mother was a HORRIBLE cook)
I love anything made from tomatoes, but can't stand the taste of a raw tomato
I've lived in many places here in the US: In Texas I've lived in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Corpus Christi and a few other smaller places. I've lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi and Las Vegas, Nevada.
I've been to Mexico a few times, but always just across the border, never into the interior of Mexico.
I've been into Canada, but not past Niagara Falls.
I've been to 32 of the 50 states
I dislike most vegetables, and refuse to eat them.
My mother and brother live within a 30 minute drive from me, but I haven't seen or spoken with them in almost 25 years. And I have no desire to either.
I had a couple dream jobs when I was younger. I wanted to be an Air Force pilot. I also wanted to be a professor of Russian history.
Firm believer in "You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family". I think family is who you choose.
My maternal grandparents passed away many years ago. I miss them both terribly.
I'm not "in love" with my wife anymore. But she is my best friend. And I do love her deeply. And she is still the best person I know.
I'm pretty sure she's not "in love" with me either. I'm ok with that.
I've learned that being "in love" isn't always what is cracked up to be. Sometimes what comes after that phase can be better.
But I still wish I could be "in love" with her. Or somebody. And vice versa.
I'm tired of living in Texas.
I'd like to visit New Zealand one day. Australia too.
I watch WAY TOO MUCH TV lately.
I'm starting college courses this fall. And it scares the shit outta me!
I don't like beer. I don't like wine. Don't even care for champagne. But....I LOVE BOURBON!
If it's a book I want to read, I can easily read it in a day.
I don't like having my picture taken.
My current weight bothers me.
I don't currently own a watch.
I rarely chew gum.
I have no idea what my blood type is.
I'm related by blood to Thomas Jefferson. He's an uncle.
Toilet paper should roll off the top.
I think Oreos and milk are an acceptable breakfast combination.
I don't have a middle name.
Boxers, not briefs.
..
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Confession
I'm going to share a something today that I have literally never shared before. Something I've kept hidden in my mind for most of my life. Something that no one in my life knows. Even as I sit here typing these words I'm scared shitless because I've never spoken about this with anyone. But I feel I need to get it out there. I probably should have spoken up about it years ago, but have never had the courage.
So here it is.
I was sexually abused at age 6 by the girl who lived next door to me. It lasted for about 6 months. It only stopped because the family moved away. I never told my parents. I never told anyone for that matter. This is the first time I've ever spoken about it.
She was 13 or 14 from what I remember. She was my babysitter. She would bathe me and fondle me. She would perform oral sex on me. She would put me in bed and have me perform oral sex on her. This would happen 2 or 3 times per month.
Growing up I never really thought about it as being abuse of any kind. In my mind I was a willing participant in the acts themselves. It wasn't until years later that I came to realize that it wasn't right. I felt ashamed of the fact that it had happened. I was terrified of the fact that I had enjoyed it on some level, and I allowed those thoughts to justify never talking about it with anyone. And I rationalized it mostly because she was a girl. It wasn't an adult, it wasn't a male. So the "manly" thing to do was to just accept what had happened as something to be proud of in some way. I'd had a sexual relationship at age 6. But I still never told anyone about it. And it took me years to understand that the reason I never talked about it was because I felt ashamed of what had happened. I felt shamed for participating. I felt shamed for the enjoyment.
Looking back on it now, I think I mostly feel sorry for the girl. I can't begin to imagine what might have been happening in her own life that made her think it was ok to do what she did. And again, that's not to minimize what was done. It is what it is at this point in my life. I'm hoping that getting it out finally helps me in some way. I guess time will tell.
..
So here it is.
I was sexually abused at age 6 by the girl who lived next door to me. It lasted for about 6 months. It only stopped because the family moved away. I never told my parents. I never told anyone for that matter. This is the first time I've ever spoken about it.
She was 13 or 14 from what I remember. She was my babysitter. She would bathe me and fondle me. She would perform oral sex on me. She would put me in bed and have me perform oral sex on her. This would happen 2 or 3 times per month.
Growing up I never really thought about it as being abuse of any kind. In my mind I was a willing participant in the acts themselves. It wasn't until years later that I came to realize that it wasn't right. I felt ashamed of the fact that it had happened. I was terrified of the fact that I had enjoyed it on some level, and I allowed those thoughts to justify never talking about it with anyone. And I rationalized it mostly because she was a girl. It wasn't an adult, it wasn't a male. So the "manly" thing to do was to just accept what had happened as something to be proud of in some way. I'd had a sexual relationship at age 6. But I still never told anyone about it. And it took me years to understand that the reason I never talked about it was because I felt ashamed of what had happened. I felt shamed for participating. I felt shamed for the enjoyment.
Looking back on it now, I think I mostly feel sorry for the girl. I can't begin to imagine what might have been happening in her own life that made her think it was ok to do what she did. And again, that's not to minimize what was done. It is what it is at this point in my life. I'm hoping that getting it out finally helps me in some way. I guess time will tell.
..
Monday, May 7, 2012
Hello
I've again neglected taking the time to sit down and write something here. Maybe "neglected" isn't the right word to use. I think it's more like that I'm not entirely sure what I want to say. Or maybe that I don't have anything to say. Something about that scares me.
I try not to base all the reasons for how I feel on my diagnosis. But it's always sitting there in that little spot in the back of my mind. It causes me to rethink everything I'm doing, everything I've done, everything I want to do. I never know if these things are because it's just me or if they're because of the BPD and depression. And so I sometimes wind up over-thinking every decision I need to make.
I find myself both trying to isolate myself and fighting to not isolate lately. I want to get out of the house and do things, but I can't seem to bring myself to just get up and go. I want to get up and meet new people, make new friends. But instead, I insulate myself behind the screen of this computer and try to convince myself that Twitter friends are the same thing. And that's not meant to be bad to those people on Twitter that I have met and have built a friendship with over the past few months. It simply means that I want to find a balance between online life and the real word. I've actually made a few really good friendships through Twitter which I am hugely thankful for. I can talk about things and share things with them that I wouldn't necessarily be able to do with people in the real world. I guess that's the beauty of things like Twitter. You can easily express your truest and deepest thoughts and feelings with people who you already know will understand what you're feeling and what you're going through. But for me, I still want that actual human interaction.
But for now I will sit here flipping channels on the TV and staring at my computer screen.
..
I try not to base all the reasons for how I feel on my diagnosis. But it's always sitting there in that little spot in the back of my mind. It causes me to rethink everything I'm doing, everything I've done, everything I want to do. I never know if these things are because it's just me or if they're because of the BPD and depression. And so I sometimes wind up over-thinking every decision I need to make.
I find myself both trying to isolate myself and fighting to not isolate lately. I want to get out of the house and do things, but I can't seem to bring myself to just get up and go. I want to get up and meet new people, make new friends. But instead, I insulate myself behind the screen of this computer and try to convince myself that Twitter friends are the same thing. And that's not meant to be bad to those people on Twitter that I have met and have built a friendship with over the past few months. It simply means that I want to find a balance between online life and the real word. I've actually made a few really good friendships through Twitter which I am hugely thankful for. I can talk about things and share things with them that I wouldn't necessarily be able to do with people in the real world. I guess that's the beauty of things like Twitter. You can easily express your truest and deepest thoughts and feelings with people who you already know will understand what you're feeling and what you're going through. But for me, I still want that actual human interaction.
But for now I will sit here flipping channels on the TV and staring at my computer screen.
..
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