Dinner Dates

I had a chat with Kristy on Twitter last night.  She was in a rough place at the time and I tried to help take her mind of things for just a bit.  While we were talking I told her I'd write a post today about the 3 people, dead or alive, that I'd like to have dinner with.

The first 2 people I'd like to have dinner with would be my grandparents.

I was the first grandchild, and the only grandchild for almost 7 years.  During those years my summers were spent with grandparents.  I'm not talking the typical one or two weeks away.  I spent the entire summer months with them.  My grandfather worked for an oil and gas company in south Texas and his job involved traveling to various places in the valley to check on producing wells as well as to help oversee new wells going in.  I spent countless hours riding around the backroads of Texas with him meeting ranch owners were the wells were located, as well as the truck drivers who hauled the oil or water from the holding tanks, to the lunch counter ladies in all the small towns we passed through.  Because I was the only grandchild I was spoiled by this man.  I could ask for a soda at the local 7-11 and we'd be off to the store.  I can't remember ever failing to return without the soda I wanted, along with cookies, and candy, and ice cream.  I usually got a toy as well.  My grandparents would let me sleep with them most of the time.  This was so when my grandfather woke up in the middle of the night, he could wake me as well to go to the kitchen for a glass of milk and some oreo cookies or graham crackers.  This was time always shared only by us.  Where I shared my boyhood secrets with the most trusted person in my life. My grandmother may have been awake, but she never interrupted our bonding time.  Instead, she taught me how to throw spaghetti noodles against the wall to "check if they were done".  She taught me how to make jello.  She taught me it was ok to eat spinach and green beans, even if I hated them.  On the weekends our lunch always consisted of a sandwich and chips and grandmother would always make sure we had all the fixings for a proper sandwich.  She played board games and card games with me.  She let me Eskimo kiss her until her nose was permanently red from it.  She would chase me with a fly swatter when she had to, but she always somehow failed to make contact.  She bandaged my cuts and kissed my forehead.  They both loved me.  And I loved them.  They're both long passed on, but I don't think a day goes by when I don't think of them.  And that's why they are the first two people I'd like to have dinner with.  Only this time, I'd set out the lunch fixings for us to eat as we sat around the kitchen table, catching up things.  I'd make sure we had oreos and milk for dessert and I'd invite my grandmother to share in our little secrets.

The 3rd person I'd like the have dinner with would be my 15 year old self.  I'd like to be able to teach him how to make better decisions.  How to avoid trouble and bad influences.  I'd like to explain to him how the world works from an adult perspective, rather than from the perspective of a teenage boy, wrapped up in girls and cars and wanting nothing more than to be out of the house.  I'd tell him to slow down a bit.  Listen more, and talk less.  Save money.  Be wary of those wonderful credit terms.  Listen with your heart, but get your head involved when making decisions.  Learn to play an instrument.  And learn to relax.

So there you go.  The 3 people I'd like to have dinner with.

Soundtrack of My Life

I was recently introduced to Amanda Palmer by my great friend Sophie.  She told me about this song just today and I liked it so much, I thought I share it with the rest of you.  It's titled "Runs In The Family" off her 2008 album "Who Killed Amanda Palmer".

Lyrics and video below.  I hope you enjoy.

My friend has problems with winter and autumn
They give him prescriptions,
They shine bright lights on him
They say it's genetic,
They say he can't help it
They say you can catch it
But sometimes you're born with it

My friend has blight
he gets shakes in the night
And they say there is no way
That they could have caught it in
Time takes its toll on him, it is traditional
It is inherited predisposition

All day I've been wondering
What is inside of me,
Who can I blame for it?

I say
It runs in the family,
this famine that carries me
To such great lengths
To open my legs
Up to anyone who'll have me
It runs in the family,
I come by it honestly
Do what you want
'Cause who knows
It might fill me up [echoes]
Fill me up [echoes]

My friend's depressed,
She's a wreck, she's a mess
They've done all sorts of tests and
They guess it has something to do
With her grandmother's grandfather's grandmother
Civil war soldiers who
Badly infected her

My friend has maladies, rickets, and allergies
That she dates back to the 17th century
Somehow she manages, in her misery -
Strips in the city
And shares all her best tricks with

Me?
Well, I'm well.
Well, I mean I'm in hell.
Well, I still have my health
(At least that's what they tell me)
If wellness is this, what in hell's name is sickness?
But business is business!

And business
Runs in the family, we tend to bruise easily
Bad in the blood, I'm telling you 'cause
I just want you to know me
Know me and my family
We're wonderful folks but
Don't get too close to me
'Cause you might knock me up [echoes]
Knock me up [echoes]

Mary have mercy.
Now look what I've done
But don't blame me because
I can't help where I come from
And running is something that we've always done
Well and mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from

Run from their pity
From responsibility
Run from the country
And run from the city

I can run from the law
I can run from myself
I can run for my life
I can run into debt

I can run from it all
I can run till I'm gone
I can run for the office
And run from the 'cause

I can run using every
Last ounce of energy
I cannot
I cannot

I cannot
Run from my family
They're hiding inside me
Corpses on ice
Come in if you'd like
But just don't tell my family
They'd never forgive me
They say that I'm crazy
But they would say anything
If it would shut me up
Shut me up

Shut me up [echoes]
Shut me up [echoes]

And here's the video.

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What's Been Going On

So twitter is down, and evidently is down for everyone.  So I figured now would be a good time to write down a few thoughts about what's been going on for the past few weeks.

I guess the biggest news is that I've been doing some volunteer work 2 days a week for a local non-profit.  It's nothing difficult at all and it gets me out of the house for a few hours a week.  Basically, I'm picking up food orders from the local food bank and delivering the food to the food pantry at 3 different housing complexes.  Each one only takes a couple hours each to do, but I'm really enjoying it.  The one thing it has done is shown me how much I miss being on twitter!

And as I'm writing this, it appears twitter is back up.

So what else?  Hmmm....

I set up a skype account and got to talk with someone who's become a very wonderful friend.  I'd never used skype before, and I was pleased with how well it worked and how simple it was.  I think I'll be using it quite a bit!

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very much a creature of habit.  I have my daily routines and don't really like when something or someone screws up that routine.  That being said, the OH was home sick all last week and a couple days this week.  Luckily, I've got things to do just about every day of the week, so it didn't interfere with my usual routine too much.  But she's back to work today and all is better.

The business of getting registered and enrolled for the fall semester  at the local community college is going very well.  I've been dealing with the OSD (Office of Students with Disabilities) on a regular basis and it seems to have taken away a lot of the anxiety I'd been having with the whole process.  So for that, I'm thankful.

Past that, everything else seems to be going as normal.

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What Do You Want Your Life To Be Like One Year From Now?

Today's post has been inspired by my friend Damien on Twitter.

What do I want my life to be like one year from now?

If he had asked this of me a few years back, the answer would have been totally different than the answer today.  Back then my answer would have been fairly simple and straightforward.  I would have wanted to be further along in my career as a network administrator, mostly higher up in a management position.

That scenario no longer applies to me today.  After my meltdown a couple of years back many things in my life have changed.  Other than being chronically unemployed, I'm actually happier now than I was then.  Back then I had all the trappings of a "successful" life going for me.  I had the house, the cars, the debt that was supposed to help me get further in life.  Since the meltdown I no longer have the mortgage or car payments or credit card debt.  I have an apartment, an old car that's paid for, and no other bills other than the basic ones such as utilities, insurance, and food.

I've made major changes in my life in the past couple of years.  I've learned much more about myself than I ever though possible.  I'm about to embark on a new course in life.  I'm looking forward to the future while still being scared shitless about it at the same time.  And that's fine.  I can deal with that.  I think that if the future didn't scare me then it wouldn't be worth pursuing.

So to answer the question of what I want my life to be like one year from now, I would have to say this:
I hope to have completed a years worth of study at the local community college on my way to an AA in psychology.
I hope to be still attending my support groups and volunteering in more mental health areas.
I hope to be able to make new friends that are supportive of me and allow me to be supportive of them.
I hope to be a bit more financially independent to some degree.
I hope to be further along in my recovery and understanding of BPD and depression.
I hope to be happier than I am today.
I hope to be more productive than I am today.
I hope to be a better and more understanding person than I am today.

That's the answer to today's question.  Feel free to suggest more.

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Random Nothings

I've been trying to figure out something to write about for the past week and can't seem to come up with anything.  So I figured I would just tell you some random things about me.


I still have my tonsils.
I have 10 tattoos.
Blue eyes
Blond hair
Lost my virginity at 16
I enjoy ketchup way too much (probably because my mother was a HORRIBLE cook)
I love anything made from tomatoes, but can't stand the taste of a raw tomato
I've lived in many places here in the US:  In Texas I've lived in Austin, Houston, Dallas, Corpus Christi and a few other smaller places.  I've lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi and Las Vegas, Nevada.
I've been to Mexico a few times, but always just across the border, never into the interior of Mexico.
I've been into Canada, but not past Niagara Falls.
I've been to 32 of the 50 states
I dislike most vegetables, and refuse to eat them.
My mother and brother live within a 30 minute drive from me, but I haven't seen or spoken with them in almost 25 years.  And I have no desire to either.
I had a couple dream jobs when I was younger.  I wanted to be an Air Force pilot.  I also wanted to be a professor of Russian history.
Firm believer in "You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family".  I think family is who you choose.
My maternal grandparents passed away many years ago.  I miss them both terribly.
I'm not "in love" with my wife anymore.  But she is my best friend.  And I do love her deeply.  And she is still the best person I know.
I'm pretty sure she's not "in love" with me either.  I'm ok with that.
I've learned that being "in love" isn't always what is cracked up to be.  Sometimes what comes after that phase can be better.
But I still wish I could be "in love" with her.  Or somebody.  And vice versa.
I'm tired of living in Texas.
I'd like to visit New Zealand one day.  Australia too.
I watch WAY TOO MUCH TV lately.
I'm starting college courses this fall.  And it scares the shit outta me!
I don't like beer.  I don't like wine.  Don't even care for champagne.  But....I LOVE BOURBON!
If it's a book I want to read, I can easily read it in a day.
I don't like having my picture taken.
My current weight bothers me.
I don't currently own a watch.
I rarely chew gum.
I have no idea what my blood type is.
I'm related by blood to Thomas Jefferson.  He's an uncle.
Toilet paper should roll off the top.
I think Oreos and milk are an acceptable breakfast combination.
I don't have a middle name.
Boxers, not briefs.


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Confession

I'm going to share a something today that I have literally never shared before.  Something I've kept hidden in my mind for most of my life.  Something that no one in my life knows.  Even as I sit here typing these words I'm scared shitless because I've never spoken about this with anyone.  But I feel I need to get it out there.  I probably should have spoken up about it years ago, but have never had the courage.

So here it is.

I was sexually abused at age 6 by the girl who lived next door to me.  It lasted for about 6 months.  It only stopped because the family moved away.  I never told my parents.  I never told anyone for that matter.  This is the first time I've ever spoken about it.

She was 13 or 14 from what I remember.  She was my babysitter.  She would bathe me and  fondle me.  She would perform oral sex on me.  She would put me in bed and have me perform oral sex on her.  This would happen 2 or 3 times per month.

Growing up I never really thought about it as being abuse of any kind.  In my mind I was a willing participant in the acts themselves.  It wasn't until years later that I came to realize that it wasn't right.  I felt ashamed of the fact that it had happened.  I was terrified of the fact that I had enjoyed it on some level, and I allowed those thoughts to justify never talking about it with anyone.  And I rationalized it mostly because she was a girl.  It wasn't an adult, it wasn't a male.  So the "manly" thing to do was to just accept what had happened as something to be proud of in some way.  I'd had a sexual relationship at age 6.  But I still never told anyone about it.  And it took me years to understand that the reason I never talked about it was because I felt ashamed of what had happened.  I felt shamed for participating.  I felt shamed for the enjoyment.

Looking back on it now, I think I mostly feel sorry for the girl.  I can't begin to imagine what might have been happening in her own life that made her think it was ok to do what she did.  And again, that's not to minimize what was done.  It is what it is at this point in my life.  I'm hoping that getting it out finally helps me in some way.  I guess time will tell.

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Hello

I've again neglected taking the time to sit down and write something here.  Maybe "neglected" isn't the right word to use.  I think it's more like that I'm not entirely sure what I want to say.  Or maybe that I don't have anything to say.  Something about that scares me.

I try not to base all the reasons for how I feel on my diagnosis.  But it's always sitting there in that little spot in the back of my mind.  It causes me to rethink everything I'm doing, everything I've done, everything I want to do.  I never know if these things are because it's just me or if they're because of the BPD and depression.  And so I sometimes wind up over-thinking every decision I need to make.

I find myself  both trying to isolate myself and fighting to not isolate lately.  I want to get out of the house and do things, but I can't seem to bring myself to just get up and go.  I want to get up and meet new people, make new friends.  But instead, I insulate myself behind the screen of this computer and try to convince myself that Twitter friends are the same thing.  And that's not meant to be bad to those people on Twitter that I have met and have built a friendship with over the past few months.  It simply means that I want to find a balance between online life and the real word.  I've actually made a few really good friendships through Twitter which I am hugely thankful for.  I can talk about things and share things with them that I wouldn't necessarily be able to do with people in the real world.  I guess that's the beauty of things like Twitter.  You can easily express your truest and deepest thoughts and feelings with people who you already know will understand what you're feeling and what you're going through.  But for me, I still want that actual human interaction.

But for now I will sit here flipping channels on the TV and staring at my computer screen.

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